Gratitude — or something like it

Remember that whole “weekly gratitude” concept?

I remember it, and have clearly avoided any attempt at showing it for the last, what, month? This does not mean that I do not have things that I am grateful for by any means. I have something HUGE, and I mean borderline catastrophic, that I am overwhelmed with gratitude towards, and it just needs to be noticed.

RIGHT NOW

I’ve always considered myself to be the “entrepreneurial” type. I get things done. I fancy authority. I am capable of taking the lead and working towards a specific goal. After months of apprenticeship work which later lead to a full-time career, and working directly under someone that I completely admire, I realized it was time. Time for me to take the next step and start my own path. 

So its official. I am officially and legally able to start up my own business as soon as I am ready. I am so close to it I can almost taste it. I hired a business coach a couple months back and its been eh. He’s helpful, guides me some, but doesn’t think I should really get things off the ground for another year. Thats too long in my opinion. I say six months, tops. 

So here I am, overwhelmed with gratitude for anyone and everyone who has believed in me. I am thankful that I have learned to love myself, and to know that I am more than capable to do really anything I set my mind to. 

Life is a good thing. 

scaling myself

I refer back to the autonomy-intimacy scale often, and I think I do it more for myself then anything else. It helps keep me in check. As I have said before, I definetely range higher at time on the intimacy scale; seeking more intimacy than others while completely bypassing my need for autonomy. Now I am feeling more autonomous than ever. Intimacy is still there — I need it, want it, yearn for it — but the self fulfilling, self establishing concept is pushing on and its really great for me.

Autonomy can be defined as the ability to make choices according to one’s own free will. (Whether or not that will is free isn’t relevant here — only that it feels free.) If we feel coerced by even an internal pressure like guilt or shame — to say nothing of external pressures like other people — our feeling of autonomy vanishes.

After really delving into the concept of autonomy vs. intimacy this last year, I’ve kind of found a way to measure where I am at personally on the scale by throwing autonomy and happiness in the same cage. When I am really really happy, my autonomous self blossoms. When I am unhappy, I throw autonomy out the window and seek constant reassurance and intimacy. One of the greatest sources of dissatisfaction in my life is when I lack control over my daily schedule. Nothing distresses me more in the course of my work day than feeling hurried and unable to control how I spend my time. I simply hate feeling forced to do things — even things I would want to do if I weren’t being forced to do them.

This gets me into trouble sometimes.

In fact, I find this to be true in all areas of my life. If my boyfriend, for instance, even tells me (as is sometimes his style) to do something I like — go back to school and get your masters, now is the time — I resent it and will actually want to resist doing it in order to preserve my sense of autonomy. Its so weird. But its my natural response. Even altruistic action (something shown to increase the well-being of me) won’t produce good feelings when it’s coerced. Am I completely insane?

This has recently led me to wonder how often relationships actually fail because of compromised autonomy, and how often we micro-compromise to keep our relationships healthy by COMPROMISING our sense of autonomy.

phew

 In my own case, only in coming to view these microcompromises as gifts, as choices I make freely, makes them stop making me crazy.

In fact, recognizing my need for autonomy has measurably improved my ability to enjoy all of my relationships, helping me to realize that when I have a negative reaction that seems out of proportion often means I’m feeling a compromised sense of autonomy. Identifying the cause of that then usually helps to prevent me from saying or doing something needlessly damaging.

I did this the other night and I still feel awful about it.

 Once I recognize I’m actually reacting to a diminished sense of autonomy I’m able to realize that my reaction is my problem, not someone else’s. From there, reframing the situation in a way that enables me to preserve my sense of autonomy becomes easier.

Example:

If I feel like I’m being coerced into doing something, I can tie my choice to do it or not to another choice about which I feel more autonomous, like continuing the relationship at all.

Life of course doesn’t always permit autonomy. If we want to achieve certain things, we have to take certain action and sometimes lose sight of the goals that force us to take it, focusing only on the action we feel compelled to take. If we want to be in a relationship we are occasionally going to have to choose our partner’s desires over our own. We always, in fact, have the power to say no. We just then need to be prepared to live with the consequences of that choice. And when I remind myself of that, the choice to say yes feels more like my own.

Congruency

being social and organizing social events has always been something that

1) I am quite good at

and

2) fulfills me on so many different levels

Sure, I go through months at a time where I feel reclusive, and I just need to be one with myself and I tend to turn down friendly invites. But now, I am back into the swing of things, and rather than awaiting its crash, I plan on not spreading myself too thin like I do, savor these good feelings, and keep on doing what I am doing.

I have some pretty huge plans for this run club that I started about a month and a half ago, and the kind of people that the group is attracting completely boggles my mind. I am blown away every Saturday by how many passionate people there are in this city of Portland, and am grateful that they all choose to come spend they’re Saturday with me! I get high off of it!

This summer is already at the front of my brain and my ideas are swarming non-stop. From surfing with Rob, to running with my group, to family trips to Eastern Oregon, to summer nights biking through the city. AHHHHHHH

Sunshine, come to me.

I wrote a post a couple months ago about “how to date and gain independence at the same time” and I have been twirling around a few thoughts recently.

1) integrating partners with friends and family

and

2) keeping hobbies separate while still incorporating similar interests

I am finally at a place in my current relationship where I feel as though our lives have really began to share structure. We have many different hobbies, different work schedules, but very similar wants and needs from each other. When we are home, it just feels good. It feels like whatever we are doing at that moment is comfortable and its what we are supposed to be doing in conjunction with the other.

One thing that I yearn for, more than anything else, is to live a less compartmentalized life. I think as humans, and as individuals, its so vital for us to have our own things. But when it comes to the people I love, sometimes integration is something that needs to happen. I want you to know them and them to know you.

I am not by any means a HIGHLY organized individual, but for some reason it seems like my entire life’s purpose is to live in complete congruence. Divide things up, make it even and clean; thats how I want my days to look. I could even say that that is your life purpose as well — and perhaps everyones — if I take the idea far enough.

So first, let’s talk about what this even means. Because if you’re like me, the word “congruent” probably reminds you of 6th grade geometry and not much else. It actually has another meaning, though, and that is alignment.

allignmeeeeentttttttt

When you’re living in complete congruence, complete alignment, no part of you is conflicting with any other part of you. There is no disagreement. No disturbance. No fakeness.

For a long time, I lived my life highly compartmentalized. I was one person when I was with my friends, a different person at work, and another person with family. I find myself slipping in and out of this mindset randomly throughout my life. It’s this kind of fragmentation that chokes my spirit more than anything.

Let me be straight – we are all multi-faceted beings. We’re not the same person in every situation all the time, no freaking way. We manifest and express ourselves differently according to what is appropriate to the events surrounding us. This is natural and I think its perfectly fine.

What is not natural, and what is not fine, is changing who you are; manipulating yourself in order to fit some kind of mold of what is or isn’t appropriate. I feel like for a long time I lived just like that; sloooooooow suffocation.

The really interesting thing is, this is the way people are expected to live; compartmentalizing each part of their life where relation from one area of their life to another is virtually unrecognizable. For a long time, I didn’t realize that this was what I was doing. I could be five different people in one given day, and none of them was me. They all contained fragments of me, hidden beneath me trying to be something I was not, in order to gain the acceptance of others.

I was a slightly different (and more fake) person around family then I was with friends. I was a different person with my friends than I was with my boyfriend. I was a different person alone, than I was with any of those other people. But most of all, where I felt most suffocated was the dichotomy between who I was everywhere else and the person I was at work.

No resemblance. Total deception.

Fuck that.

But as I said earlier, this type of deceitfulness is totally accepted in our society. No, not just accepted. It’s expected, almost. It took me a while to realize that even though a lot of people choose to live this way, I didn’t have to anymore. Once I realized that I didn’t have to make that choice, I started to open up the airwaves and release that sick restriction I had placed on myself.

Then I asked one life-changing question:

What would it be like to live in complete congruence? What would it feel like to have total alignment of purpose, with no separation, no partitions, and no dissonance?

(Okay, so that’s two questions. Sue me.)

That’s when I realized that my ultimate goal in life is to live from that place of total, authentic action. Using no limits as a way of limitation. I want there to be no discernible difference between when I am working and when I am playing. No division between my purpose and my life path. No difference from how I act around my mom, to the way I act around Rob, to the way I act around my run club.

When everything is completely integrated, when my heart, mind, and body are acting as one vehicle, my life starts to become something very beautiful. My expression is natural, unique, and right. My creativity flows. My heart is opened.

Whoa, gushy. Sorry/Not sorry.

And I no longer seek anything outside of myself internally validated.

Life becomes effortless when you are not trying to become anything different than what you are. Its like my existence becomes one of expressing and expanding the awesomeness of what already is.

 This is what it means to live with the extinction of boundaries. This is what it means to be completely and radically congruent.

Now all I ask of myself is to grow some balls and try and integrate the parts of my life that mean so much to me. I want my Portlanders to meet my mountain, and I want my family to meet my Portlanders. I want to incorporate all of the work I do with one another (as much as that allows) and I want to continue to grow more and more as a congruent human being.

meets

we accept the love we think we deserve

I woke up thinking about two words that I always used to struggle with as a child; except and accept. Its kind of one of those “their there and they’re” situations, but different. It was really strange because I just kept on imagining the two words above my head placed right next to one another, and I couldn’t figure out why. I started to think about things that I have recently accepted in my life, and it pulled me away and now I am here buzzing away, getting the words out.

 When I love someone, I love them to the moon. Mother, sister, best friend, partner, its just what I do. I think that it is a fascinating idea that we accept the love we think we deserve, but in reality, its so true. I think there are a few different kinds of acceptance. I think that there are people who don’t feel like they deserve much love for whatever reason, so they pull away and distance themselves, and then I think there is the person who thinks they deserve more love, so they pull away.

push pull push pull push pull

We all deserve love.

And lots of it.

Criticize me. Help me grow.

If we do anything interesting in life, we’re bound to be criticized. I am THE most defensive human on the planet, so criticism of any kind has always been an extremely difficult thing for me to handle. What strange is I love learning and putting myself out there, and along with that, naturally, comes criticisms, critiques, etc… Working inward with understanding the motivation of the person criticizing me has been super high up on my list lately, and its funny how much more I notice now that its out in the open.

When I can understand the motivation behind the criticism, it’s much easier for me to be objective rather than defensive. People criticize for various reasons:

1. To help me avoid making a mistake.
2. To connect with me.
3. To share a good idea that may improve on what it is I am trying to do.
4. To feel worthwhile.
5. To feel superior because they are jealous or feel inadequate.
6. To find fault because they feel threatened.

Depending on what the motivation, I can handle the criticism differently. For example, If someone wants to share a good idea, it feels worthwhile for me to engage in a conversation with that person. On the other hand, for those who simply want to connect or to feel worthwhile, I don’t need a long discussion on why their criticism is not helpful (this happens at my passive aggressive restaurant, everyday.) A simple “Thanks for your idea” may be adequate. If someone feels jealous or threatened, I can thank the critic and get the heck outta there. If I do respond to someone who seems irritable it SHOULD sound like this: “Hey, what’s going on with you? You seem upset.” But I am too scared for confrontations half the time that I usually just walk off and roll my eyes later.

Whatever the motivation and tone of voice, the criticism could be valid. So I try and ask myself if there is something to be learned by it, focus only on what is helpful, and I disregard the rest.

The HARDEST thing for me to do, but I think its the most helpful in my growth, is to actually verbally thank the person criticizing me. My boss from the studio criticizes me often, and I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that it is in fact her business, and she wants me to be as adequate and progressive as possible. But sometime, oh sometimes I just want to SNAP. Working on letting those feelings subside and learn from whatever the criticism is about, would be super beneficial for me. I feel confident when I have the strength to consider other people’s ideas, even when its not necessary to accept them.

My boyfriend is so smart. He knows so many things that I don’t, and even if I occasionally get critiqued I quickly withdraw and feel inadequate. So stupid. I love what he teaches me, just not always at the time because of my defensiveness. 

Self growth. Ahhhhhh. 

🙂

The man who is anybody and who does anything is surely going to be criticized, vilified, and misunderstood. This is part of the penalty for greatness, and every man understands, too, that it is no proof of greatness. -Edward Hubbard

 

 

 

Mun-eeeeeee

I grew up poor but never knew it. Kudos, mama. Its nuts to think about, really. I had absolutely everything I needed, except for the occasional lunch money shortage, I really did. Mom made it work, and she made me appear somewhat middle class, even though we were indefinitely sinking without my knowledge. I think that thats the way to do it if you have children. I have witnessed first hand children who were growing up poor, and my God, they knew they were poor. It was so sad.

Kids shouldn’t know about it. I feel like building up their awareness about financial blah is important, yes, but burdening them with $$$ CRISIS is dampening and unnecessary for their own personal growth; that should not be their main focus.

It is a false dichotomy to suggest that someone either enjoys LIFE or thinks about MUN-EEEEEE. It’s true that some people are more the accountant, organizing type, while some are the more romantic, impulsive type. As counter-intuitive as it seems, the more highly-developed my own inner bookkeeper becomes, the more I feel like I can develop my own inner romantic, and vice versa. I like not worrying about my bills and getting them paid on time, and I don’t know what I would do without that extra spending money each month to enjoy some of the leisurely things that I do enjoy. Not all happiness comes from the money that I have, but it sure does alleviate a lot of stress, which ultimately leads to me being happier.

This is what I am currently trying to accomplish—the wise and efficient financial planner part of me and the romantic who knows how to live life to the fullest part of me—and to be able delegate between the two.

The only time I have ever really run into financial strain is when I would try to identify exclusively between the two.I do not purchase a ski lift ticket with pursed lips and a furrowed brow, and can’t stop second guessing the purchase and calculating the cost of each ski run rather than enjoying the skiing. I lean more towards the one-sided romantic type. I have been known to shove my bills in a drawer and be all happy-go-lucky, and will literally forget about the bills until the day of reckoning.

The first cannot enjoy the moment. The second is headed for a financial cliff…

normally…

I’ve acquired debt in the past. I had my first and only credit card at age eighteen, and racked it up in just a few weeks and LITERALLY avoided any ounce of paying it back for well over two years.

iwassuchanasshole

I don’t know why it was so hard for me to deal with. Even when I have mun-eeeeee in the bank, I refused to put it towards this pity, small, acquired debt.

We as people need to schedule and coordinate our inner “trades.” If we can just avoid financial chaos and debt overload, we can create peace of mind and live life without having to fear an impending crisis.

Here are a few ways that I have learned to balance taking care of my future while stilll enjoying the present:

1) I try as hard as I can to spend significantly less than I earn. I currently have no credit cards (which honestly, I really should have a few at this point) and since I don’t, there is no room for me to spend anything in my checking account that I don’t have. After bills are paid, my daily living expenses are set aside, there isn’t a lot of room for budge after savings deductions. I try to focus instead on all the free things that can create a fulfilling life. Corny?

WORKS

2) I put money into savings first! It provides security and allows me the freedom to make transitions in life. For example, with adequate savings, I can handle losing my job and can consider changing my job at any given point!

I try and REMEMBER to pay my bills at the same scheduled time every months. If you pay your bills on the same day/days, you take care of your business and alleviate the dread of dealing with bills and accumulated debt.

SEEEEEEEEEEE

3) I deal with the small things first. Even with the mall amount of PAST DUE credit I had attained, and with the few insane medical bills that had added up, I felt incredibly overwhelmed by the numbers. Its amazing how much businesses are willing to wrk with you when you are nice in return. I started off by paying the minimum for any and every debt I had, and slowly was able to pay it all off. Be honest, and talk to the people. Trust me, most people will have pity if you are kind. By moving from dread to action, you minimize complications, extra fees, and your own psychological discomfort.

We can never completely alleviate financial insecurity, I don’t think. There is always somebody who is making more, and somebody who has more than you do. BUT, I think its simply finding that balance between please and inner accounting SMART people shit that can make your life comfy and not so damn hard.

Work hard, make lots, buy little. It works.

For me anyways.

love your naked self!

Okay, well I’m not currently, but I assure you I spent most of the day in my birthday suit, happy as a clam. 

After run club this morning I felt rejuvenated, strong and extremely charged. After foam rolling for about twenty five minutes (sorry, it hurt too bad, I’m a wuss) I hopped into our heavenly shower and cranked up the hot water and let it pour over my goose-bumped body. The only thing better than that would be a whole chocolate/coconut cake to myself without consequences.

Mmmmmm

I cleaned myself off and kind of just stood there and checked myself out for a while. I love the way my body looks and feels after a hard workout. I feel unstoppable, high, and happy with the way I look.

I dried off, hopped into our cozy bed, and did the whole sauna effect, and dozed off for a about thirty minutes, and spent the whole day naked. I need to do this more often.

Unfortunately, our home isn’t too private. We have great wooden blinds in our living room, but there is a HUGE window that peaks right into our dining room (the room that you have to walk through to get to any other room in the house) so I had to do the squat and crawl (attractive, I know) a few times to get a snack, water, etc…

So yeah, this is going nowhere except leaning towards slightly awkward. But I loved it. And it felt empowering and delicious.

 

Happy Thursday!

 

Love your naked self!

Endlessly creating myself

There are so many changes happening within me; my relationships, my career, my body, my mind. I love times like these. I love having an idea of where I am headed but not knowing exactly for sure. I crave feeling out of place in situations, and that feeling of yearning for something more but not knowing how to get there. Right now I feel in between, and scared (the good kind of scared) and slightly overwhelmed by all of this, and all it does is push me forward and closer to my goal; which is starting up my own business and helping people from there on out. 

This happened to me last year when I finally decided to take the leap and move myself to Portland from my cozy little mountain town. I was so frightened about being away (because 40 miles is SO far…. not) and knowing that it would actually take effort to go and see my family. It’s calming to look back and realize the importance of some of those discoveries, and to see that many of those uncertainties have subsided. It’s also something I come back to often, feeling on the edge of something and figuring out how to leap. It’s a cliché but it’s the best metaphor I’ve been able to figure out for that particular feeling.

I’m progressing, networking, building myself as a REAL HUMAN BEING, and DAMN, it feels good to be a gangster. Yeah, that just happened. 

no it didnt.

I’ve been avoiding going up to the mountain this past month. In fact, I haven’t been there since Christmas time. I mean the mountain in itself is an odd place that I’ve never really felt “at home” in. Every time I go back I feel more and more different there. It’s a strange mix of nostalgia and familiarity and anxiety I can’t quite figure out. There are so many things I miss, (skiing, hiking, peace and quiet) and yet I also have memories of being here during some of my saddest moments. I remember feeling trapped. Too comfortable. It’s kind of nice being an outsider, but it makes me think a lot more about how things are going for me where I live now, a place where I still rely on iPhone GPS to get me around about half the time, where I almost get hit by a car every single freaking day. I have a few friends, but I don’t run into people on the street unexpectedly very often like I would at home.

whoaaa, rabbit trail, sorry.

Basically, it’s all part of this transition that’s been happening this year, leaving behind the sense of sleepwalking that comes from getting too comfortable in exchange for frequently making mistakes, feeling a little unrooted.

Lots and lots of big things are in store for me, and I am happy that I am at the place I am at, currently. A few things could use a little tweaking, but that will come in time.

Happy Wednesday, my people!

 

(side bottom note: run club is off to a great start! I have already met some pretty inspiring and incredible individuals who are just as excited to be building up our running community. Its amazing and I feel blessed!)

on a lighter note

Pursuers vs. Distancers

Its 8:42 and I have been sitting at the coffee shop up the street for about thirty minutes now, and with the no-show of whom I was supposed to meet, I figured I could at least start writing a little.

I’ve been feeling so motivated the last few days with work and progressing forward that I’ve noticed a huge change in my own personal autonomy scale. When I don’t feel guided and sustainable, I become way more intimate. Not in the typical intimate way, but just the need for constant closeness; emotionally, physically, mentally. I don’t think its a bad thing to have moments of reclusiveness, but I do think that it could appear unfair to people I am typically closer to; my mother, boyfriend, best friend, etc…

But it could also be a good thing, too.

This kind of leads me to what I’ve been wanting to talk about for a while but needed to gather the words before pursuing the post.

Pursuit and Distancing: Intimacy vs. Needing space

The ability for me to have a passionate, fulfilling relationship requires both me and my person to balance two natural (vitally important) needs—intimacy and independence. If we don’t consciously balance these needs, it inevitably results in a frustrating struggle caused by the pursuer/distancer dynamic.

(I learned a great deal about this specific dynamic last year after borrowing this book from my sociology prof… so good!)

Pursuers pursue intimacy, and they are not aware of their need for autonomy. And distancers seek autonomy, unaware of their need for intimacy. When there is a problem, the pursuer (usually myself) may say, “what are you thinking?” or “Lets talk.” (that is a constant in our home) They like sharing thought and feelings and often feel personally rejected when their partner needs space. And then, as a result, they try harder and harder and HARDER and feel rejected and finally withdraw coldly.

I can completely identify with the pursuers position, and I’m not sure if that is directly related to the different personality types (extraverts vs. introverts.. it has to be) but I know that I’ve definitely gone through these phases.

Distancers seek emotional or physical distance. They tend to be self-reliant and have difficulty showing vulnerability. They manage their personal relationships by intensifying work and activities outside the relationship. When a relationship becomes too difficult, they tend to end it completely and abruptly.

The only time I have found myself taking the position of the distancer is when I just haven’t been THAT into the person I was with at the time. But again that goes back to the extravert vs. introvert dynamic, and I think its fascinating!

We tend to attract into our lives what we disown. I am not big into astrology at all by any means, but I have noticed that I do always attract opposite of me when it comes to signs. I only attract introverts for the most part and distancers. I think that that’s why distancers and pursuers frequently get into relationship with one another. Pursuers, who may have received a lot of attention and connection as a child, are often attracted to those who are more independent. As their relationship moves forward, they yearn for that familiar connection. Sometimes, on the other hand, Pursuers never received enough connection, and spend their adulthood pursuing it. Yet, they may seek it in a way that appears to others as being needy, and the cycle of near connection and rejection continues on and on and on…

I’m pretty sure that I have always expressed enough desire for intimacy for both my person and I. Its like I feel like showing more love and intimacy with bring them closer, when in fact it does the opposite and than the person I am with doesn’t have to recognize his own desire for connection. Because I’m always THERE.

Gross.

Solutions for myself:

If you haven’t gotten the gist yet, this is clearly something I have needed to work on for a while and am finally nipping it in the bud. It wasn’t until about a month ago that I had the realization that I have draw back and put more energy into my own life and my own separate interests. AS SOON as I drew back my life started to feel more enriched and just.. better.

Its a habit that is not easy to break; clinging to togetherness, weighing heavy on the intimacy side, and relying on others for emotional fulfillment, but I think its completely doable. If both people find their own balance between solitude and connection, I think having a strong and happy primary partnership can be incredible rich and fulfilling.